The fourth article in our series highlighting November as National Caregiver Month addresses self-care. When caring for others, it is impossible to do everything, and it can be easy to put self-care last. Even though we have all heard the sayings about putting on our own oxygen mask first and we can’t pour from an empty cup, the reality is there are only so many hours in a day. Caregivers who attend Meadowlark Parkinson’s and/or Memory Support Groups grapple with this mentality by reminding themselves and each other that we are all worthy of care. Everyone’s future is unknown; take care of your health and well-being and do the things that make life meaningful. For some, this means scheduling their own healthcare appointments when they are scheduling their loved one’s appointments. It might mean finding respite care and planning a trip with a group of friends. One care partner has shared her joy in simply waking up early to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee while journaling. What is meaningful will be unique to each person, so don’t be afraid to try things big and small for yourself.

As a caregiver, it can be really hard to ask for help. This is normal. We encourage you to practice asking for, and accepting, help. Research has proven that care partners who take breaks provide better care. It helps you be a better care partner and improves outcomes for the care recipient as well. Care recipients have improved health outcomes, fewer hospital visits, and remain living in their homes longer when their caregivers take regular breaks. We encourage friends and family to offer specific types of help, and we encourage you, the caregivers, to ask for specific help. Make a list of things you would like others to do for you and update it regularly. Then when someone offers help you can give them two to three options of things they could do.

Something caregivers often struggle with is motivating and holding their care partners accountable. Too often the caregiver falls into a “nagging” role that deteriorates the relationship. If possible, outsource the reminding and accountability roles. Is there a grown child who can call each day with a medication reminder? Is there a friend who would exercise each week with your loved one? We have heard often from caregivers that their care partner will do what others say more readily than if the caregiver instructs them. Outsourcing these motivators and reminders may alleviate your own stress and increase accountability with your loved one.

Here is an example of a list of ways friends and family can help. We encourage you to personalize this list to you and your needs and to have it ready when someone offers help.

      ~ Bring kindness and continue to treat me and my loved one as you would have before the disease or handicap.

      ~ Play cards with my loved one for an hour. Start slow and build up the length of time.

      ~ Check the air in my vehicle’s tires and load a winter travel kit in the car.

      ~ Help put clean sheets on the bed.

      ~ Pick up groceries and put away.

      ~ Buy a box of Christmas cards and book of stamps. Address the envelopes.

      ~ Bring over some food (we all love snacks!) or drinks and watch TV with my loved one.

Society often depicts self-care as a bubble bath and a glass of wine, but it is multi-faceted. Areas of self-care include physical, spiritual, social, relationships, mental, and emotional. Try to diversify your self-care and do activities from time to time in each of these areas. Examples of physical self-care are going to your own medical appointments and making time for rest. Spiritual self-care can include prayer or spending time in nature. Social self-care is connecting with family and friends or having meaningful conversations. Relationships can be particularly hard to care for, as they change through the caregiving journey. Sharing something with someone you trust can nurture your relationship. It is also important to continue to spend time with your partner, as a partner, not just as a caregiver. By asking for help and outsourcing some of the caregiving tasks, you can have more time to spend with your partner in a social or romantic way.

Mental and emotional self-care can come in many forms. It might be learning something new or participating in comforting activities, like re-watching your favorite movie or TV show. Journaling can be extremely beneficial as a safe emotional outlet. Allow yourself the time and space to process and grieve how your life has changed.

Only you can know what type of self-care is most important to you and how often you need each different form. This list and the few examples provided are there to give you a variety of self-care options and to encourage balance. You can find more ideas for a variety of self-care activities at https://gwaar.org/api/cms/viewFile/id/2007609. Lastly, let go of what you “think” you “should” do; there is no steadfast rule for self-care. Do what feels right and good to you to regroup and recharge in your caregiving situation. Each family and situation is different. Have grace for yourself as you learn and grow in this journey.