Becoming a good listener is not something that is highly valued in our society. I am not aware of any events centered on how well a person is able to listen to another, or of any awards that are presented to those who are exceptionally skilled listeners. We certainly have these events and awards for speaking.  As the presidential election nears, Americans listen to debates and speeches given by the candidates and judge for themselves the information that is being presented and how it is delivered. Most of us are not thinking about the candidates’ listening skills. However, listening is the other half of the equation in effective communication and paying attention to how we listen is just as important as attending to how we speak.

Psychologist Carl Rogers focused much of his work on the skill and impact of listening. In 1980, Rogers stated, “Attentive listening means giving one’s total and undivided attention to the other person and telling the other that we are interested and concerned. Listening is difficult work that we will not undertake unless we have deep respect and care for the other… we listen not only with our ear, but also with our eyes, mind, heart and imagination…We listen to what is going on within ourselves, as well as to what is taking place in the person we are hearing…We simply try to absorb everything the speaker is saying verbally and nonverbally without adding, subtracting, or amending.” Rogers affirms that being an attentive listener is not easy, but that it is an expression of love and respect.

Anyone can improve his or her listening skills with practice. Begin with being aware of your own verbal and non-verbal messages — does your tone of voice or body posture convey interest and openness? Making eye contact with the other person and reflecting back what you have heard can also help both parties understand each other. When we listen to each other with our eyes, mind, heart and imagination, we can feel understood, valued, loved and profoundly heard.